Wow, I have been sleeping all the time lately! I never knew it was possible to sleep for 12 hours, wake up, eat some lasagna, then go back to bed for 5 hours. That's basically been my week so far, sleeping, eating, talking to my friends. But no getting together with anyone, I'm just so out of it lately! I've been talking to Tyler every night(of course), he just makes me feel so much better than I actually I am. I like him so much, but I can't let anything come of it... I mean, I'm pregnant. Why when I say that sentence does it feel like I'm in the middle of a stadium and I'm screaming it out to the millions of people watching me? Not only that but the echos continue forver long after my scream... Weird isn't it? How you can be so ashamed yet so proud at the same time. Sometimes I think... yeah I'm proud to be getting through this at 14, I'm proud to want to keep the baby, to keep myself afloat in these hard times, everything... But am I proud because I have to be? Or proud because I am proud? Sometimes the line between is so thin it's very hard to tell. Deep down, I know I'm proud of myself, but deep down I'm also so regrettful. If I could take this back I would do anything, you have my word on it. Do you ever look back sometimes and realize how short life is? I mean, I can remember not even a year ago Mom, Brittany, Aunt Heather, and I went to Six Flags amusement park. It was probably one of the best times of my life. We went on all the rides until we were dizzy from laughing and the speed from the rides of course. That night we stayed at a hotel and even after such a great day that my mom gave me the privilage to enjoy, Brit and I snuck out of the hotel room to meet with some kids we had met, even after my mom said no. Coming back in we got caught, and even though my mom didn't punish us, I could tell she was so disappointed and hurt by our actions, that was the hardest thing to live with. That situation reminds me so much of what I'm going through right now... Disappointing my mom hurts so incredibly much... I remember after Brit and I went to bed, thinking to myself how much I wanted to take my decision back... it seemed so big at the time, but nowadays nothing really compares to what I've gotten myself into.

Mom and I have had a lot of time to bond these days, I can't believe all the things I failed to uncover before... she's such a strong woman, I would so much like to be just like her one day... You may think I've already screwed that one up, but no. My mom is an amazing mother, friend, person, coworker and daughter, she stands for what she believes in, she's intelligent, and she works hard for what she acheives. She lives her life always looking on the good side, and everyone she's around can't help smiling. I love my mother and I'm going to strive to be like her. Pregnant or not. I think of it this way... God just wants me to start a little earlier...

Allyson